The Art of Knowing What Not to Say

I have read articles on what to say to people who have lost a loved one. I know saying "There is a reason for everything." or "I know how you feel." (and then launching into your own story of loss) are not comforting statements. 

 

 

No kids.  Candy corn isn't a vegetable.

 

 I have yet to find an article on what to say to someone who is divorced.  After my divorce people said things like - "At least you have the whole bed to yourself." and "Now you can eat popcorn for dinner whenever you like."   If I wanted a bed to myself, I could have gone to the guest room and not bothered with the messy, expensive divorce.  Popcorn?  Seriously?  I would rather have Pirate's Booty and candy corn for dinner or a hearty steak. 

 

Since there is such a need, I have decided to momentarily step on my soapbox and be the spokesperson for the divorced (or at least the spokesperson for myself).

 

I have lost track of how many people have told me, "You are SO lucky to have every other weekend kid free."  There are several reasons why this is not the thing to say. 

 

Did Bob even want to win the Nobel prize for literature?  Last I heard, he wasn't returning their calls. 

I don't want my kids to pack their bags and leave every other weekend.  They are now past the stage of dangerous two year old behavior and don't require constant "sharing interventions."  Sure, they aren't as adorable as they once were, in that "freshly bathed, footie pajama kinda way."  But, I enjoy my children and feel sad when they leave. A sliver of empty nest syndrome.  Suddenly, I have no one to discuss if Bob Dylan should have won the Nobel Prize for literature.  No one to read Little House in the Big Woods to.

 

 

 

On these "kid free" Friday nights I have learned to distract myself.  Thrift shops are great distractions, as is Downton Abby.  (Hmmm.  Lady Mary had no problem handing over Master George to Nanny.  George was only paraded out during tea or to be giddily tossed around by Thomas.)  

 

 

 

People who tell me I am lucky must think kidless weekends are full of  soul-feeding-creativity and  luxurious pampering.  Nope. 

• My kids don't know how to wear anything twice, so I am washing piles of laundry. 
• I am grocery shopping because kids gobble a lot of grapes and know how to suck down the milk. 
• Usually I run out of time, but I try to prep some food for the upcoming week.  My kids think flour tortillas are a food group and that sandwiches are a main course.   
• I am cleaning the house, trying not to let my standards fall any lower.  I moved into my new house in February and have yet to dust. 

People who are envious of my "kid free" weekends, probably just want some time to themselves.  Time to collect their thoughts.  Or maybe take a hot, uninterrupted shower.  Figure it out, people!  You deserve some free time and don't need to get divorced to find it.  So, get out those calendars, fire up those popcorn poppers, and sprawl out on that bed!

 

Okay.  I am now stepping down from my soap box.

 

Eydie

 

 

 

 

Prairie Eydie Learns Something New Part I

 

 

I went to a fabulous professional development session on Friday.  Note.  I have rarely used the words "fabulous" and "professional development" in the same sentence.  It is now Sunday and I am still thinking about what was said on Friday.  Pretty good.  The session was taught by Chris Gleason, Wisconsin's Middle School Teacher of the Year. (Bravo!  Great decision Wisconsin!) 

 

The topic was "Motivation and Assessment."  I was attracted to the "motivation" portion  because I teach struggling 6th and 7th grade readers.  HECK.  I also struggle daily with motivation and need tips.  I am not very motivated to make my bed, even though bed making has been linked to happiness.  Also, I am not motivated to make the meat loaf "cupcakes" recipe I tore out of a magazine three years ago.  Some days I am not motivated to teach my unmotivated students because I am out of ideas of how to motivate.

 

But I LOVE seeing those neat rows of stickers marching across the tagboard.

 

10 minutes into his presentation, Chris said the carrot and stick approach (think gold star sticker chart) to motivation isn't effective and actually decreases the behavior you are trying to foster.  This finding has been replicated in 70+ studies. 

 

 

 

MIND BLOWN. 

 

I have 26 years of using  extrinsic carrot and stick motivation strategies in my classroom. 

• I have stapled individually wrapped lifesavers to vocabulary tests so the students would at least look at the test before slam dunking them in the garbage. 
• I have baked homemade brownies every time a student finished reading a book.  (I think I only baked three pans of brownies all year, which tells you how effective that method was.) 
• One year, candy corn was doled out every time students were sitting in their chairs.  The "Year of Candy Corn" was a particularly rough year, especially when stores stopped stocking candy corn after Halloween.

 

 

 

I have 12 years of using the carrot and stick approach with my children.  Sigh.  I confess, I have used:

• M and Ms for peeing in the Elmo potty
• Weekly allowances for doing chores
• New books for good report cards.  (Personally I don't find the book  reward all that reprehensible.) 

You are probably either thinking:  a) I am a horribly misguided person  who should have known better. OR b) What can be done to motivate people?

 

Here is what I have down in my notes, under the heading - "What DOES Motivate?"

 

1.  Autonomy over task, time, and technique.

 

2.  Mastery because becoming better at tasks matters.  You have to be excited about being bad!  Woot!  Woot!

 

3.  Purpose.  It has to be a cause bigger than yourself.

 

In other words, the activity itself needs to be the reward.   I was trying to process all of this over the phone with my dad last night. 

 

Eydie:  I shouldn't be giving the kids an allowance for doing their chores.

Dad:  Oh.  Why is that?

Eydie:  If I pay them to do something around the house, they will always expect money and will never set the table without being paid. 

Dad:  Hmmmm.

Eydie:  So starting tomorrow I am just going to give the kids their allowance and expect them to do chores around the house.

Dad:  Good luck with that.

 

 

 

 

Maybe before I stop using carrots and sticks with my children, I should head out to buy one of the books Chris recommended - Drive, by Daniel Pink.  I will let you know what I find out.

 

Eydie

 

 

 

When Your Starbucks Friend Moves Away



Even celebrities struggle with the darkness surrounding losing their #1 Starbucks friend.   Hang in there Ellen! 

 

 Few bloggers have tackled the difficult topic of "What to do When Your Starbucks Friend Moves Away."  I am currently trying to process the pain of my Starbucks friend, Kristen, moving to Baltimore.  It has been four months of lonely lattes.  Morose macchiatos.  And friendless frappuccinos. 

 

My therapist said journaling about the loss might nudge me towards making a new Starbucks friend.  Ha!  Everyone knows you are very lucky to have ONE Starbucks friend in your life, let alone two.  (You would think it would be easier, with a Starbucks on every corner.  But it isn't.)  Well.  I am a teacher and tend to do my assignments . . . so here is a peek at my journal.

 

 

A movie in which Julia and Meryl spend 90% percent of it screaming at each other is SO much better than a Grateful Dead cover band. 

 

A Starbucks friend will bring you a skinny vanilla latte when your boyfriend chooses to see Dark Star Orchestra instead of Julia Roberts' amazing new Southern Dramedy, Osage County.  Your Starbucks friend will always choose you and caffeine over tiresome outdoor concerts. 

 

A Starbucks friend is not so nutritionally obsessed that she doesn't see the obvious benefits of a weekly Starbucks lunch.  A pumpkin spice latte has fruit, (or is pumpkin a vegetable?  Seriously, it would be even better if pumpkin was a vegetable.) dairy, and the highly beneficial spice - cinnamon.  Cinnamon can lower blood sugar levels and reduce heart disease risk factors.  (This is especially helpful if your diet includes mutiple pumpkin spice lattes.)   Starbucks lunch days are the BEST.  It is heavenly to be free of your slightly smelly, insulated lunch bag and ubiquitous fat free Greek yogurt.   

 

 

 

 A Starbucks friend will act surprised when you give her a Starbucks gift card for Christmas.  She will even insist on breaking it in and treating you to an eggnog latte. 

 

Things aren't going so well in Baltimore either.  You are irreplaceable, Kristen!

A Starbucks friend knows baristas don't know how to spell names.  People can NEVER spell my name right, as it starts with a vowel and a sometimes vowel.  (Eydie - for those of you keeping track.) Apparently baristas can't spell "Kristen " either.  Is that with a "c" or a "k"?  "i-n" or "e-n"?  You Starbucks friend knows how to simplify things and lets you choose if you want to be "Sue" or "Kim."  At Starbucks I become Kim.  The only downfall is one over achieving barista who calls out - "Hi Kim!" whenever I walk in.  He could be onto me, as I often look to see who is behind me.

 

Hmmm.  Perhaps I need to find a new Starbucks to frequent along with a new Starbucks friend.

 

Eydie